How to Ask for Help

Call Log #100923177364
Location: 35.592518, -78.774570
Result: Anomalous

Whoa. Fancy. What does this do?

Sorry to bother you. I’m having a rough day. I know you came here for a reason and it’s probably more important than me. But maybe not. I mean, you did land across the street from Taco Bell. Weird choice.

Lots of people think you have important stuff to say, but I don’t know. I heard the pope went and talked to your friend over there and had all these questions about God. He (she? they?) didn’t respond, so I probably won’t get anything out of you.

Do you think your friend in Rome landed across from a McDonald’s? Ha.

Sorry, that was probably disrespectful. People say that about me a lot. That’s why today was hard, I guess. Is that why you won’t talk to anyone? Because we’re all so disrespectful?

I remember where I was when the portals opened and you came. We’d just moved here. First day of school. Strange day. Everyone was talking about the aliens—that’s you guys—appearing all around the world.

You glow. It’s kinda weird. Yellow usually. Except for that one time when you were all purple at first. And now there’s just a bunch of glowing yellow portal aliens everywhere.

Do you think your friend in New York set up across from a Sbarro’s?

Sorry.

I heard somebody from the White House tried to set up a meeting with your friend in DC. Well, kinda DC. That one missed and ended up in some suburb. The meeting didn’t go very well. There’s a lot of news footage of the President just yelling at your friend. No purple, just yellow. Quiet yellow.

My teacher told me I needed to be quieter today. I wasn’t even doing anything this time. She doesn’t like me. Anyway, they suspended me, so that’s how I got here. Not as fun an origin story as yours. Portals—whee!

They set up these booths to see if us normies could get you to talk, you know. The big shots couldn’t get you to talk, so maybe the rest of us could. I’m here for the air conditioning, honestly. They suspended me before lunch and I’d like to eat somewhere that isn’t hot.

When they did open the booths up to the rest of us, everybody thought you could solve their problems. One of the popular kids at school came and asked who she should take to prom. That pastor came and asked when the world was going to end. A group of kids came and asked how to stop climate change.

Do you mind if I eat lunch? I don’t have anywhere else to go, and this is the first time I’ve had somebody to eat lunch with since we moved.

Do you want some? It’s just PB&J, but it’s good.

You probably don’t eat this though. Do you even eat?

I’d share, you know. If you needed help, I’d share.

Oh!

Whoa.

Purple.